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Let’s explore why tantrums happen, how to tell the difference between tantrums and meltdowns, and most importantly, how you can help your child learn to handle their emotions in ways that will help them for life.

Between ages 1 and 3, your child is growing and changing incredibly fast. They know what they like and don’t like. They have strong opinions. And they’re determined to tell you about it in any way they can.

Here’s what’s happening in your toddler’s brain:

• They know what they want but can’t always say it. Your child is just learning to use words to tell you their thoughts and feelings. They may not be able to find the words to explain how they feel. This causes frustration and can quickly turn into a tantrum.

• Their “stop button” isn’t working yet. A toddler’s brain can’t “put on the brakes” yet. They can’t stop themselves from doing things they shouldn’t, like hitting or grabbing. Even when young children can repeat a rule back to you, until they’re about 3½ to 4 years old, their brain isn't developed enough to follow it consistently.

• They’re learning important life skills. Tantrums can be hard to deal with. But try to see them as chances for your child to learn about rules and limits, about feelings, and about calming themselves down.

Big emotions and outbursts are completely normal for young children ages 0–3. Tantrums are a way for your child's growing brain to learn how to handle big feelings. Each tantrum is a chance for them to practice handling emotions with your help.

The words “tantrums” and “meltdowns” don’t mean the same thing. They’re different situations that need different responses.

A tantrum happens because your child wants something and you said no, or they don’t want to do something you’re asking them to do. The reaction is happening because they want something specific. During a tantrum your child has some control, but their developing brain makes it very hard for them to manage their big feelings.

Your toddler’s prefrontal cortex—the “thinking brain” that helps with controlling feelings and making decisions—isn’t fully developed yet. They don’t have the brain development to handle disappointment the way adults do or to stop themselves from doing something they shouldn’t. When they can’t have what they want, their brain reacts with big emotions because they don’t have the “brakes” to stop themselves.

Try to help your child learn that even when they can’t have what they want, their feelings are valid, you’re there for them, and they can get through hard emotions with your support. With your patience, your child will move on from the behavior.

A meltdown happens when your child is stressed or feels overwhelmed. The stress can come from what’s happening around them, what they’re feeling, or what you’re asking them to do. In a meltdown, your child is not trying to get something they want. Instead, they are so overwhelmed that they can't calm down on their own and may not be aware of their surroundings or safety. Since they can't protect themselves at that moment, make sure they're in a safe place first.

Your child needs your help to calm down. This might mean getting down to your child’s level and talking them through calming down. You can count to five together or take deep breaths together. You might offer to hold them if they want a hug, or give them space and time to calm down physically and emotionally. This may take time, so be patient.

If your child has meltdowns a lot, common reasons include being too tired or hungry, they’re in loud or crowded places (like grocery stores or birthday parties), they’re moving from one activity to another too quickly, or they’re being asked to do too many things at once. Understanding what overwhelms your child can help you make changes—like going shopping after nap time instead of before, letting them know what's coming next, or asking them to do one thing at a time instead of several.

How you respond to your child’s tantrum makes a huge difference in how quickly they calm down and what they learn.

When your child is having a hard time, they need you to stay steady. If you have a big reaction like frowning, shouting, or getting upset, your child will likely get even more worked up. This makes it harder for them to calm down. When you stay calm, it helps your child learn to calm down too.

The calmer you can be, the better. Talk in a low, steady voice and use a kind, caring tone. Be aware of what your face and body language are saying. Managing tantrums can be tough when other people are watching your child have a tantrum. Remind yourself that your child isn’t trying to embarrass you—they’re just having a hard time coping. Despite potential onlookers, do your best to support your child, guide them, and stay calm.

Say what your child is feeling like, “You really wanted another cookie. Cookies are so tasty, and you’re upset that you can have only one.” If you skip that step and go right to, “You'll be fine. You can have another cookie after dinner,” your child will likely get even more upset to show you just how much they want that cookie, and it may just make the tantrum worse.

Ask if they want a hug or offer a calming activity. You could share a favorite song or book, or go for a walk together. You can also offer activities that you think are okay ways to show anger, like ripping paper, stomping feet, or punching a pillow.

Your child’s feelings are not right or wrong. It’s how they show feelings that can be a problem, like hitting when angry.

If your child is hitting, kicking someone, or trying to run into the street, stop their behavior by holding them until they calm down. If the tantrum gets worse and becomes dangerous, you may need to give them a time-in.

When children are struggling with tantrums, common strategies like time-out can actually make the situation worse. Time-out isolates the child further from you and tells them that big emotions are bad. Instead, try taking "time in" with your child to teach them how to self-soothe in the moment, which can make frustrating behaviors and tantrums less and less frequent, and communicate that there are other ways to cope with big feelings.

You can’t prevent all tantrums, but there’s plenty you can do to have fewer of them and help your child build skills to handle their emotions throughout life.

Make a daily routine so your child knows what to expect. Stick to the routine as much as possible, including nap time and bedtime. Kids handle frustration better when they’re well-rested.

Think about timing at their age. Is it really the best time to go shopping, or could it wait until after nap time? Try to plan ahead by running errands when your child isn’t hungry or tired. If you expect to be out for a long time, pack a small toy or snack to help your child stay comfortable. But don’t give your child toys that are too hard to play with for them. Frustration with things that are too difficult often leads to outbursts. You can also try to avoid things that trigger tantrums. If your child begs for toys or treats when you shop, stay away from those areas when you can.

Giving warnings before changes can also help. Tell your child when an activity is about to end: “When this book is finished, it’s time for a nap,” or “When the timer beeps, it’s time for your bath.” This heads-up won’t always stop a tantrum, but it helps your child get ready for the change.

Let your child make choices throughout the day to give them a sense of control. Ask things like “Would you like to wear your red shirt or your blue shirt?” “Would you like to eat strawberries or bananas?” or “Would you like to read a book or build with blocks?” Don’t ask questions if there’s really no choice in it for your child. Instead of “Can you clean up your toys?” say “It's time to put all the blocks back in the box.”

Also decide if you really need to set a limit—this is called “picking your battles.” Think about what limits are important and where you can be flexible. For example, can you live with an outfit that doesn’t match if your child wants to choose their own shirt? Think about their needs and find a middle ground to meet them.

Start with basic feelings like happy, sad, and angry, and help your child identify those emotions when they’re happening. For example, you might say “You are mad that we can't play at the park anymore,” “You are happy when we play together,” or “You seem frustrated because the puzzle piece won't fit.” The more you name their emotions, the easier it will be for them to start telling you their emotions. You can also use books and TV shows to point out emotions you see in others. Ask, “How do you think they feel right now?” and talk about why they might feel that way. This can help your child understand how others feel too.

When children feel big emotions, they don’t always know what to do with those feelings. Teaching them simple strategies helps them handle their feelings and have fewer outbursts. Teach your child to take deep breaths to calm their body and mind. Breathe in through the nose, then breathe out slowly through the mouth like a dragon breathing fire. Check out “The Dragon Song” to breathe like dragons together.

Other calming strategies include simple stretches that can help let go of tension and bring focus to the body, or counting slowly to five or 10 together. Teach your child that when they feel overwhelmed, they can always come to you or another trusted adult for help. The more you encourage and show these behaviors, the quicker your toddler will start doing them on their own.

Make a safe “Cozy Corner” where your child can go to relax and calm down. This isn’t a punishment spot like time-out. It’s a comfortable place with soft pillows, favorite stuffed animals, calming books, or quiet toys. Make it inviting and teach your child that this is a safe place to go when they feel overwhelmed. Instead of a corner, you could also try a “Calm Down Kit,” a box of their favorite toys and activities that they can open when they’re feeling big feelings.

Take a parent “time-out” for yourself if you need it, making sure your child is safe first. Show your child that everyone needs breaks sometimes. Say things like “I'm feeling frustrated right now, so I’m going to take some deep breaths,” “Mommy needs a minute to calm down, then I’ll come back,” or “I made a mistake, and that’s okay. I’m going to try again.” When your child sees you handle your own emotions in healthy ways, they learn how to do it themselves.

Give your child extra attention when they behave well. Give them a hug or tell them how proud you are when they share or follow directions. Focus on praising positive behaviors, and don’t give big reactions to negative behaviors. When you celebrate your child for using their words, taking deep breaths, or asking for help instead of hitting or screaming, they’ll do those things more often. When your child feels safe in your relationship, they handle frustration better.

Remember, you can’t actually make your child calm down. What you can do is respond in ways that help them calm down more quickly and learn skills for the future. As your child’s language skills grow and they get better at managing their feelings, tantrums will naturally happen less often.

Your calm presence during these stormy moments is building your child’s emotional foundation. Each time your child has a big emotion and you help them get through it, you’re not just stopping a tantrum, you’re teaching them important life skills: how to recognize their feelings, ask for what they need the right way, calm their body and mind, and bounce back from disappointment.

So the next time your toddler has big emotions in the cereal aisle or refuses to put on their shoes, take a deep breath. Remember that this is normal, necessary, and—with your patient guidance—a chance for growth.