The holidays are a time of joy and celebration, but they can also bring stress and tension when the entire family comes together. Between different opinions, potentially old conflicts, and expectations, family gatherings can sometimes feel overwhelming. However, with some planning and a positive mindset, you can enjoy the season while keeping stress in check.
One of the biggest sources of holiday stress can come from having unrealistic expectations or holding on to the need for everything to be perfect. Thinking things like “It should be this way” or “I wish it were different” takes you out of enjoying the moment. It might even set you up for disappointment or added frustration.
Instead of focusing on how things could be different, try to accept the situation as it is. Identifying even the smallest moments of joy might help turn the mood around. Remember that no event, person, or family is perfect. A gathering can have stressful moments throughout but still be enjoyable overall.
It can be helpful to reflect on your past reactions during family gatherings. Being aware of how certain family members or topics might affect your mood, energy, and behavior beforehand can help before the actual event. Ask yourself, “How do I naturally handle difficult emotions? Is there any way I can adjust my reactions?”
Understanding your patterns can help you get mentally prepared ahead of time to be able to handle challenging moments. If you know that a relative’s opinions or their parenting advice bothers you, for example, have a plan for how to respond or get through the conversation.
People handle stress in different ways, and there's no “right” or “wrong” approach. Some people make to-do lists and organize everything they can control. Others might find themselves putting things off until the last minute, hoping the stress will resolve itself. Some may also look for more rest, comfort food, or quiet time alone. All of these are absolutely normal human responses to feeling stressed or overwhelmed.
Understanding your stress style opens opportunities to try different coping strategies before family gatherings, like exercising or yoga. Or mindfulness techniques, like deep breathing or grounding exercises. These activities can help you stay calm and focused. When you start the event from a place of feeling calm and cared for, you might find yourself able to handle family interactions more easily.
It's natural to focus on what others are doing wrong if family tensions are high, but self-reflecting can be a reminder that:
Thoughts can influence feelings
Feelings can influence behaviors
Behaviors can influence how others react
For example, if you walk into Thanksgiving dinner already expecting that a relative will share their ideas and opinions that you have strong feelings about, you might find yourself instantly getting defensive the moment they speak about it. This preset mindset can invite the very conflict you were trying to avoid.
It’s not about placing blame on yourself or anyone else—families are complex. Making conscious choices about how to manage your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors can help create positive ripple effects. Here are some ways that might help shift your mindset during family gatherings:
Look for at least one good thing about each person: Maybe that relative who always has opinions tells really funny stories, or the family member who seems critical might genuinely be trying to help because they care about you. Sometimes the person who feels overwhelming really does mean well.
Find common ground: When someone brings up a topic that usually leads to arguments, gently redirect the conversation to something you can both enjoy—like asking about their garden, a hobby, or how their favorite sports team is doing.
Create positive moments: Bring up happy memories that can include everyone, like “Remember that time when …,” or ask about good things happening in people's lives. Sometimes asking “What's been the best part of your year?” can shift the whole mood of the room.
If there are children present, they often naturally bring out the best in adults. Let them join the conversation and ask them to share something they're excited about. Another idea might be asking family members to tell funny stories about when they were little.
The holidays can bring up intense emotions for people, like grief about loved ones who have passed away, nostalgia for how things used to be, stress about finances, or major life changes that you might not even know about. A usually cheerful relative might seem withdrawn because they’re missing someone’s presence at the dinner table. Or another relative might be short-tempered because they’re worried about a job situation they haven’t shared with anyone yet. If someone acts out of character or seems distant, try to respond with curiosity and compassion.
Instead of thinking “Why are they being so critical of me?” think to yourself “I wonder what's going on with them that's making them feel stressed.” This shift in perspective can help you respond with kindness instead of getting defensive, often stopping tension before it gets worse.
Remember, everyone is carrying their own invisible burdens, especially during emotionally charged times like the holiday season. Offering grace to others, and to yourself, can transform difficult and stressful moments into opportunities for deeper connection.
