Whether it's an argument about chores that escalates, different ideas about raising kids, or work stress that spills into family time, fights between parents happen in every family. It's important to find common ground, but it's even more important to get there amicably.
How parents handle their fights can help or hurt their child's development and mental health. When parents work through disagreements with respect and care for each other, also known as healthy fighting, children learn valuable lessons about relationships and managing emotions. However, unhealthy fighting can confuse and stress children out, which can hurt their development. Understanding the difference between healthy and unhealthy fighting can help families create better homes for children to grow.
When children see their parents handle fights in healthy ways, they learn important emotional skills. Parents who support each other, show love, work on solving problems, and work through their differences peacefully help their children get better at understanding emotions. This means children get better at knowing their own feelings and understanding why others feel the way they do.
Children who see their parents handle fights well learn that disagreements can be worked out without causing lasting harm. This teaches them that emotions are normal and manageable, which helps them feel more secure when handling their own emotional challenges. Instead of seeing conflict as something scary, they learn that people can disagree and still love each other.
Good conflict between parents can also help children get better at solving social problems. When children watch their parents work together to solve disagreements through talking, compromise, and respect, they learn valuable lessons about relationships.
Children learn that problems can be solved through talking, listening, and working together rather than through fighting or giving up. These problem-solving skills help children in their friendships, at school, and in other relationships throughout their lives. They learn how to share their needs, better understand what others may be thinking, and find solutions that work for everyone.
Unlike good and healthy conflict, unpredictable fighting between parents can hurt children's development. Unpredictable conflict happens when parents have sudden changes in emotions and behaviors—whether due to stress, unresolved issues, or other reasons—that children can't understand or make sense of.
Children who see this pattern of fighting can become less likely to help others, share, or show kindness. When children can't make sense of their parents' reactions during fights, they focus more on protecting themselves and less on thinking about others' needs. This decrease in kind behavior can hurt children's abilities to make healthy friendships and positive relationships with other children, teachers, and other adults.
Children exposed to unpredictable conflict between parents can also show more behavioral problems, which means they act out their upset feelings through behaviors others can see. This might include being more aggressive or uncooperative, or having trouble following rules.
The chaotic nature of unpredictable conflict creates stress for children because they can't understand or prepare for what might happen. This stress often comes out as behavioral problems that can interfere with school performance and social relationships.
When children repeatedly see ongoing, unpredictable conflict between their parents and don't get the emotional support they need to cope, they may develop toxic stress. Unlike normal stress that doesn't last long, toxic stress happens when a child's stress system stays turned on for long periods without adequate support. Toxic stress can have lasting effects on children's growing brains and bodies. Parents can prevent toxic stress by learning healthier ways to handle disagreements among themselves and making sure children get the support they need.
Perhaps most concerning, children who see chaotic fighting between parents can develop a habit of reacting with anger when faced with social problems. Instead of thinking through situations calmly or asking for help, these children are more likely to respond with anger or aggression.
This quick anger makes it harder for children to solve problems calmly and effectively and can damage their relationships with friends and adults. When children automatically respond to challenges with anger, they miss chances to learn better ways of handling difficulties.
Remember, not all parental conflict is harmful to children. When parents handle their disagreements with respect, work toward solutions, and show care for each other even during difficult conversations, children benefit from witnessing these interactions.
Parents can help their children by modeling healthy conflict resolution skills, such as listening to each other's perspectives, staying calm during disagreements, and working together to find solutions. When children see that problems can be solved through cooperation rather than aggression or unpredictable behavior, they develop the emotional and social skills they need to succeed in their own relationships.
Keeping this in mind, families can work toward creating environments where disagreements become opportunities for growth rather than sources of stress and confusion for children.
